Say what they can't.

Another year older, another year of you somehow making everything look effortless while the rest of us are just out here pretending. It's genuinely a little rude.

You're the person everyone calls when things go sideways — and somehow you always pick up. That says more about you than any birthday card could.

Here's to you. Still the most put-together person in every room, even at your age. (Kidding. Mostly.)

Effective immediately, I am resigning from my position. I have given this considerable thought — approximately four seconds, which is four more than this company gave my last three performance reviews.

I'd like to thank management for all the "growth opportunities" that turned out to just be extra work with no additional pay. And the all-hands meeting every Monday at 8am. Truly a bold choice.

My badge is on the desk. My plants are coming with me. The microwave fish tradition shall continue in my next role, as a tribute.